Who Says Love Doesn't Kill?

by Greed Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:13 pm

If you are suicidal or easily depressed, or depressed in general, DO NOT READ THIS. At all. I feel the need to put this warning beforehand because I am 100% serious. This can be triggering to some people. DO NOT RISK IT. YOUR LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN READING THIS. Sorry to the people who think I'm overreacting, but if I read something like this instead of just writing it, I'd probably be triggered, too. So do not read this if you're suicidal, have suicidal tendencies, are depressed or are easily depressed. Thank you.

This is based on a true story with an altered ending. Enjoy.

Alyssa stared down at the text message as tears filled her eyes. Where had she gone wrong? Had she truly never been good enough for the redheaded male? Had God abandoned her? After finding someone she thought she could be with…that made her smile after every thought of him…where his smell stayed lingering on her clothes to the point she rarely wanted to wash her clothes, instead childishly clinging onto that familiar and welcoming scent… All because she’d wanted a ‘break.’ All because she hadn’t communicated clearly that he was being too touchy-feely and he was breaking her personal bubble.

But could it truly be all of her fault? They’d discussed the ‘rules and regulations’ before they’d started dating. They “both” wanted to take it slow. They “both” wanted it to be romantic and lovey-dovey and sweet. But most importantly they both had discussed not rushing into things. And what was the first thing he did? Rush into things. Was it wrong to be terrified of it going too far…? Was it wrong to be scared to tell him what was really on her mind due to the fact that she was afraid she’d hurt him? That was foolish, admittedly. So…so foolish. Maybe it all had been her fault. The final few days of the relationship, she’d ignored him completely. She was a complete bitch, really. Really and truly. She should’ve treated him better and talked it through with him…but what happened after the relationship…well, she had nothing to do with that.

Considering she’d been adopted herself, what Joshua said about her made no sense. Apparently, she “supported” abortion. And she was a lying bitch who was in love with love. And while that may be true, at the same time, it wasn’t. A lonely pit had been created in her heart long before, when her parents had left her. A deep-rooted sense of emptiness was always clawing at her heart and she needed someone to fill in that place where she was completely alone and desolate inside. She’d let Joshua into that place…she’d told him things she’d never told anyone else before, trying her hardest to make it work. But in the end, it was all futile. After all, can you truly predict another human being? …No matter how long you know someone, they’re never yours to predict. What are humans aside from selfish, greedy monsters, anyways? Always out for themselves and rarely for anyone else. Maybe…maybe somewhere somebody was having the time of their lives with someone they would marry – or already had married. But Alyssa had long since given up on finding the right person to marry. She needed someone and no matter how much she prayed to God above, nothing good ever happened in her life – she never had that one constant she needed, whether it be a friend or significant other. Being alone was all she’d ever known, and while other people knew the sentiment, she never found anyone she could talk to and spill her heart out to. Everyone always walked by her while she stood behind a protective shield, smiling on the outside, but secretly being broken and crumbling under the thin foundation she stood upon. Every day was a struggle and in every way she tried to reach out for help, she tried to call out and grab someone’s hand, but whenever someone reached and she tried to grab…it turned out it was merely a figment of her imagination. That…or the person pulled away right before she could touch them, and let her fall. Watched her. Laughed, even, as she fell to the dark nothingness of hell. A living hell… Earth. And its demons: humans.

After Joshua broke up with her, her outer layer she used as protection crumbled. She couldn’t even produce a fake smile like she was so used to. Laughter came to her easily, but as soon as the laugh was over, darkness caved in and took over her heart again, stabbing it through and through with sharp swords – not even the words of other people, but memories. Memories took over her mind and her heart, constricting her lungs until she couldn’t breathe and…she fell. She fell hard. She fell hard into the open hands of nigh death… Black hands with claws like an eagle closed around her frail body, and she nearly died. Over ten Tylenol in one bottle and a few sips later, and she’d have been dead in minutes. Thanks to Joshua and his harsh words…his hatred, his misunderstanding of her words… Was it wrong to want space so she could feel protected? All she’d ever known was loneliness and despair; anguish and people leaving her. She’d never truly loved until Joshua came along, and even then…he never knew how much she loved him. He never understood the feeling she got when she was around him. Unlike what he’d said…she’d never once “used” him. In all reality, Alyssa had no idea how to use someone. But hey…apparently she didn’t know herself like Josh knew her. And even attempt at death couldn’t soothe her aching heart… As seconds dwindled into minutes, the coldness she felt around her continued to grow until her limbs were like ice and her heartbeat was slowing so quickly that she nearly managed to speed it up with her fright.

But when she realized: This is what I always wanted… she let go. She let the darkness take her.

And then…she was no more.

A heart that had long since stopped beating was now beyond the reparable state.

A smile that had once been meaningful was now useless on the body of a dead girl.

Eyes that had once lit up at the sight of a loved one were now dull with death captured in their depths.

And a mouth that once kissed, laughed, smiled and breathed…did nothing…forevermore.

And the last thing she wrote? A letter… A letter explaining everything that had once been and was to not be ever again…

By the time you read this, it will be too late, and I will already be gone. I just want certain people to know certain things.

Momma, although we’ve never been the best of friends, you’ve always been there for me and I came to you when I needed you most, and even when you didn’t have the right words to say, you would always be there to give me a hug and kiss it all better…or at least, you tried, and for that I’ll be forever grateful. Don’t cry over me. It wasn’t your fault. I love you. I always have, no matter how many times I’ve stated otherwise.

Daddy…I’ll always be your little girl. Even when I’m all grown up and gone away, I’ll be your little girl and you’ll always be the first man I loved. There will never be another man that I loved as much as I loved you. I love you so, so, so much Daddy. I love you more than anything in the whole world and you were always there for me. I never wanted you to die and I can only imagine what it’s like when your little girl has gone away before you have. Please forgive me, Daddy. Please forgive me.

Tiffany, you are my best friend. I love you, girl. You’re hilarious. I love you, you crazy bitch. I’d never called you that in real life because both of our parents would friggin’ kill me. But I love you, and I’m sorry about this. But stay strong and continue living for me. I know it’ll be hard and I know you said you’d kill yourself if I did…but it’s my dying request that you don’t. Live, and be strong, for me.

Joshua…I hate you. I hate your guts. I want to say I wish you were never born, but that isn’t necessarily true. I did love you at one point and I will never deny that…but in my heart and in my head, you will ALWAYS be the person that broke my heart. The first person that broke my heart. I hope you realize that. I’m not usually mean enough to say memories of me haunt you forever…but damn it I hope they do. I hope you realize how much I truly did love you and how much it hurt me when you started spreading rumors about me. None of those rumors were true. I don’t support abortion and I never used you. I’m not in love with love. I’m not a whore, a slut, or anything of that kind. Why couldn’t you open up your eyes a little sooner? The second I said I wanted to die your attitude changed and you said “don’t do anything stupid.” Do you realize now, even almost a year later, how much it haunted me that you didn’t need me – or want me? Don’t pretend like you never wanted this to happen. Although nobody else may think it’s true…I know better. I know you. I loved you – and I loved the person you once were but aren’t anymore. So please, remember that I did love you. Forgive me for messing up once…on a matter so trivial it could’ve been talked down with one brief conversation. Remember I hated you the day that I died…but I could never truly stop loving you, and I never have. I love you, and yet I hate you. But don’t worry anymore. I’m out of your hands and out of your hair, now and forever. So you won this time. No one has ever beaten me down successfully anymore. I hope you feel satisfied with yourself, and I hope whoever you date next is smart enough to leave you before you start acting like a complete asshole again. You don’t deserve a woman like I was, or any woman for that matter. But thanks for giving me a shot. Thanks for being the first person to ever truly hold my entire heart…and thanks for shattering it beyond all repair. I wanted to die, and you wanted me to die. No biggie. We both got our wishes.
Forever Yours,
Alyssa

To the rest of the world… I never liked you much. Life was always too hard for me and I was never strong enough to carry on by myself. But thanks anyways. To the people I loved and lost, to the people I had yet to love and lose…you’re amazing, I guess. I never knew you and now you’ll never know me. But thanks…I guess. And to the Lord, who knows what I’m writing as I write it, before it’s even written…thanks for nothing. You done good…you done real good. Take me home now, Lord. Take me home.