Enough-- complete

Just a little drabble of 1.7k of words, written at 2am in the morning. WARNING: This content is rated M for Mature (no, not for sex -.-), because it contains religious Christian writing to the extreme. That is the only reason, as I do not wish to make anyone uncomfortable/disregard their own faith by my words. But if it does not bother you, then please, read on! I love reads and reviews and thrive off of them, so please, leave a review if you do read. This pretty much sums up my life right now, in this handful or words. I never proofread, so please, bear with me through all the gramatical errors as I am feeling too lazy to fix them right now. Maybe later, eh?

But anyway, enough of my rambling. Please, enjoy, and tell me what you think...















It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This year, it was supposed to be her year, the year where she finally got to have her own freedom, move out of her uncle’s house and live on her own. Sure, leaving her home town, her friends and her church family weighed heavily on her heart, but she spent nearly every weekend there and was planning on moving back down as soon as she paid off her college loans and earned the money.

But instead of feeling enlightened, like she had at first, she just felt… Empty. Lately, everything had been falling apart. Of course, she couldn’t expect everything to always go her way, that wasn’t how it worked. But still, she hadn’t felt this way in five years, not since the first and second year of high school. She was really trying to fight it, fight the feelings that slowly crept up upon her each morning and night. She tried to fight the whispers that repeatedly ran through her mind, luring and tempting as the fabled song of the sirens. Every time she went into the bathroom, the feelings became stronger than ever, clouding her mind and swirling around her like a thick fog, slowing her until her thoughts focused on that one, sharp object tat had been completely harmless to her for the past five years. The old scars on her arms, faded to just slivers of white lines, would taunt her, the memory of the blade against her skin would haunt her day and night, in the back of her mind and jumping up at random moments. Each day, it was harder and harder to fight it, harder to ignore the fact that she was loosing herself.

For the most part, she hid it well. Her roommates didn’t notice. The other students didn’t notice. Her church didn’t notice. Of course, Kylie could always see through most of her façade, but they hardly saw each other anymore. Kylie was busy with school, herself, and they never really saw anywhere other than Sundays, and they never spoke the unspeakable when other ears were listening.

But even if others couldn’t see it, she was slipping. Her every fears and regrets were constantly tugging at her, weighing her down. At night, she would just toss and turn restlessly, and when finally she drifted off, even that was interrupted often, and she would wake up abruptly to stare up at the ceiling. It was all too much; she was approaching her breaking point at an alarmingly fast pace, and it was only a matter of time before she finally cracked. But still, she keeps pushing on, choosing to ignore the obvious, if at least for the time being. But it wasn’t easy.

She tried to keep herself in her Bible daily. She spoke to God every moment she got nowadays. Of course, she had always been a completely devoted Christian, or at least for the past five, six years. But now, it was different, in a way. She wanted Christ more than anything else now, but never before had she felt so far away from him. She was in a downward spiral, picking up speed with every mistake. Lately, she hadn’t been up to par on anything. She was spending more time away from church, away from her home town and friends. Every day, she could feel herself stumbling in her faith. She was letting herself down, letting her LORD down. She tried to prevent it; but it happened nonetheless. She didn’t trust her own thoughts anymore. She didn’t feel right. She felt unclean.

It was too much. The stress was too much.

She just wanted to go home. But where exactly was home? Her uncle’s house? No way. She would never go back there. Her mom was gone. She’d never known her dad. Maybe they’d let her sleep at the church? It was a nice thought, but she knew it would never happen.

She’d been wrong. She thought she could handle this. She had Andy helping her out, but he was gone. He had thought college was a waste of time, and had joined the military instead. He was a patriot. She didn’t see him all that often anymore. When she did, it was more awkward than anything else. What had happened to them? She didn’t love him… Was he convenient? She was disgusted that she might have been using him all this time, that wasn’t her. But lately, she wasn’t the person she used to be, in a sense.

She hated herself. She truly did. Everything she did lately, she was doing wrong. College had been wrong. She didn’t want to study any of this, she wasn’t looking forward to the next three and a half years. No, she was dreading it. Everything, she was dreading lately. Except church, of course. She loved church, even if there was that small inkling of doubt deep inside her that told her she didn’t belong there.

There were a couple times she felt good nowadays. Church, obviously. Sundays were the happiest days of the week now. The happiest she’d been in a long time. She didn’t particularly like her soccer team, but she was lucky to have gotten the scholarship for soccer, and she felt… right, whenever she was in her cleats and down on the field. She loved that sport. She felt right in the studio, too. Whether she was dancing, acting, singing, writing, drawing, or painting, it was her time. She was an artist; in every sense of the word. She played piano and guitar. She wrote whenever she could. She drew and painted from life. She competed in dance; she was an actor and joined any play that caught her eye. And she loved it. Maybe she would transfer schools. She was certain she could get accepted into some of the big, or smaller, art schools around here, and then she wouldn’t have to deal with college, but her education was an important piece of her… Even if lately, she was neglecting many of her classes. She was neglecting a lot of things in her life, come to think of it.

Some days were better than others. Some days she could deal, and could put on a real smile. But those days were few and far in between.

She used to have two people to confide it; Andy and Kylie. But her and Kylie never really got to talk alone anymore, and Andy… Well, they were at their breaking point, to put it lightly. She didn’t want to; she didn’t know if she could truly cope without him, but at the same time, he was another cause for stress in her life right now. Maybe another time. Maybe not. She couldn’t be certain at this point. She wasn’t certain of anything.

Her Bible was a small stress-reliever. For the periods of free time she got, she would sit down and read, delving into her favourite topic for endless time whenever she could. But, it only helped for a bit, and it never seemed to be permanent anymore. She was desperate for the feelings she used to have when she read the Word, when she studied Christ, but she still felt empty. She was alone in all this, no matter who she talked to. Kylie tried to give her answers, but her answers couldn’t be found in the human mind, and Kylie was dealing with her own things, as well. She had talked to elders at church, but their answer was to study Christ, and that’s all she ever did anymore in her free time. Of course, it was by her own choice, and she wanted to, not only needed to, but it still wasn’t enough. She needed to cut down on things, she believed. Christ needed to become her first priority again. But she couldn’t just drop everything in her life… But what else could she do? There was a brick wall clearly in site, and she was flying towards it at an alarming rate. She was going to crash, and shatter into millions of pieces that would never quite fit back together right again thereafter. She couldn’t stop it from coming. She was lucky, to have held out so long. But one person could only handle so much. She was alone, in everything, surrounded by hundreds yet totally independent. She couldn’t handle it. It was all too much at this point. She was too late. Her world was flying past her quicker than she could keep track of, spinning around her dizzily until she felt like she was about to vomit. She was exhausted, mentally and physically, of all this, of everything. And still she kept pushing on. Had her sins finally caught up to her? She had been a horribly awful child growing up after her mother had died, she hadn’t found redemption until she was at the end of her freshman year of high school. Was her LORD punishing her? She had faithfully followed him ever since she had become a Christian. Maybe he was testing her, testing her faith, wearing her down until she was nothing before him. She knew now how Job felt in the Bible. It was her turn.

Because, no matter how hard she tried, her past was always there, haunting her thoughts and dreams. Everything was beating her know, flogging her like a carriage pony in the streets of New York so long ago, punishing her. She had been digging herself a hole for so long now, she could hardly see the light of day. Oh, how she wished it all would stop. But it wasn’t up to her. Only the LORD, her God, could lift her up from this torture, but for now He seemed content to let her go on like this. Temptation to sin out of spite constantly crouched at her door, and it took all her will and then some to keep herself from giving in, and still she continued to slip up.

Because, in the end, she couldn’t rely on human material wealth. She could only rely on the God who had created her from dust, and could only follow him faithfully every step of the way, even when her world fell in around her and blinded her eyesight. She didn’t need to see when she was with the LORD; he was all she could ever need, could ever want, and that alone was enough for her.

About the writing - Very good. Good flow of the text, change between subjects and leading through a mindset. The only thing that bothered me is that it ends too abruptingly however as this is your life you get stuck at the present when you write it up, i gather that's what happened?
About you - I have too many words to comments about yourself right now. Mental hardships, loss, self doubt and hatered, helplessness against other forces and being sucked downwards and the way you have it... I can't reply to that out of my sleeve, later, perhaps.
About me regarding the content (mostly relating to the comment yuo made above your post and the way it brought into it) - It's hard for me to read this as im not a christian and coming from another point of view however, with time, i found that many religions and faiths are rather the same, the just have different words, and sometimes ways to get to the same place. I learned that ones' power comes from within, not from god, thus i'de write this sentance:

Only the LORD, her God, could lift her up from this torture, but for now He seemed content to let her go on like this.

As this sentance:

Only one-self, myself, could lift me up from this torture, but for now I seemed content to let myself go on like this.

That's just to explain the points of view, but yes, it was very much this way.

P.S.- Ever watched 'The Sound of Music'? You sounds awefully a lot like Maria at the beginning of the film when you get to the end of your post.