Trustless [ Reserved ]

It was another one of those days: shopping days. Of course, Samantha (more commontly referred to as Sam), knew that these days were inevitable. When you had a two-year-old son, it was hard not to got to the store every once and a while, and her parents had grown increasingly tired of having to go to the store for Ryan and herself. So, they told her that the only way she was going to get food and supplies for her family of two was to go shopping by herself. Luckily enough, Samantha's parents paid rent for a small condo that was only a few blocks away from them, so they could babysit Ryan when she went out looking for a job; which wasn't often.

Ever since Matthew, Samantha had been scared out of her witts of going anywhere. And indeed, she didn't step foot out of her parent's house until the day Ryan was due. Once Ryan turned one, her parents had kicked her out of the house. But nicely, of course, seeing as they'd bought her a condo and were paying mortgage for it. Samantha was lucky to have the parents she did, but they just didn't understand the trauma she went through every day having to step out of her comfort zones to go to public places. She was scared to death of people; especially men. It made finding a job increasingly difficult, seeing as most of the jobs around here were run by men. And that meant interviews. With men. Samantha shivered.

Oh, how she hated life. She used to be so bubbly and friendly, never shying from anyone. Matthew had been her best friend, and even now, he tried to contact her and see how she and Ryan were getting along. Nevertheless, she had, very recently, moved into her condo and changed her phone number, so she no longer heard from Matthew. It made her sad to realize she'd never have her best friend back, but she knew she'd never be able to see him in person without bursting into tears or hurting him by accident. Ryan was her life now, but she was slightly discouraged that Ryan himself was a boy. At least he couldn't be considered a man yet: otherwise she would've put him up for adoption, no matter how old he'd been.

Ryan was the center of her world. He was the one who gave her the slightest sliver of courage to go out and get groceries, clothes, and go job-shopping. She wanted to provide Ryan with a safe and guarded lifestyle, and also be able to pay for him to be able to go to school in two years. Her parents were rich, yes, but that didn't mean Samantha expected them to pay for everything. A condo was enough for them to pay for, and Samantha was slowly coming out of her shell. She'd finished her move into reality already, though, and she remained the way she always believed she would: quiet, reserved, only talking with Ryan and very rarely her parents.

But now here she was, pushing Ryan in one of the car-shaped shopping carts, Ryan blabbering incoherent sentences and giggling to himself, pointing at random objects and saying "Mine," occasionally. Samantha made sure not to make eye contact with any one person, even for only a second. She was thankful that there were more women in the store doing the shopping for their husbands, children, or maybe simply themselves, and Samantha became increasingly aware of her appearance to others: she was obviously no more than 20, and yet she was strolling a child around in a cart that had a faint resemblance to her. It made her feel slutty, in a way; she was afraid that's what others would see of her.

Only Samantha knew the true pain of what had happened, though.

Samantha was only in there for forty-five minutes, before she looked around for a check-out register that had a female who was running that particular register. Unfortunately, there was only one, and she was in the longest line. The register next to hers only had four people, but hers had about six or seven. Samantha would make the eighth. She didn't know why the other people weren't in the male's lane, but Samantha didn't bother to ask about or point to the shorter lane. She was perfectly content where she was, even though she was very aware that people were staring at her and Ryan. A kind-looking man asked her if she wanted to take his place in line, but she simply kept her head down, shaking her head and mumbling a quick 'thank you.' She never kept her conversations going long; especially with men.

But ever so slowly, the line started moving, and she was getting antzy. Samantha didn't like getting stares from the men and women around her. After all, who saw a 19-year-old girl in a grocery store with a toddler every day?

Sam looked at Ryan as he reached out for a packet of gum and a Hershey’s bar, managing to drop a couple off of the shelf. Sighing heavily, Sam looked at Ryan, “What did mommy tell you about messing with things on shelves?” Ryan stared at her for a moment before bursting into a giggle fit and saying, “No!” but not in a dismissive way, but more of an answer to her question with a hint of the babyish love that the boy still had in him. Sam reached down and picked up the fallen chocolate and put it back on the shelf, handing Ryan one of the bars.

“Only one, and don’t eat it yet,” Samantha smiled at Ryan who managed to mumble a quiet ‘thanks’ but it sounded more like ‘fanks.’ He waved the chocolate bar around in his hands and stared at it, gnawing on the plastic every now and again, seemingly not realizing he had to take off the wrapper before he could eat it. Sam quietly told him not to put it in his mouth yet, and Ryan looked at her incredulously before kicking his feet angrily and throwing the bar onto the ground. Samantha sighed heavily and picked it up, tossing it into the cart’s basket as she took another step forward as the line moved.

She froze when she heard someone call her name. The voice was obviously male, and horror struck her heart as she realized just whose voice it was. The voice she’d heard in high school so many times, the voice that had made her laugh, been there for her when she’d cried, helped her study and took her out to lunch on ‘special’ occasions that were really nothing special, only an excuse to be able for the two friends to hang out.

The voice she’d heard coming down the hallway of their apartment, the smell of liquor on his breath, and… Sam shuddered, not wanting to think about it. She was tentative to turn around and look at him; she’d been avoiding him for so long now, it didn’t seem right for her to even spare him a passing glance. Summoning up what little courage she did have, Sam turned halfway around, wishing she were farther into the isle so it wouldn’t have worked for her to turn around.

Her eyes scanned him over, then the contents of his basket, and she couldn’t help but remember the “Friday movie nights” they’d had with Papa John’s Pizza and a six-pack of Dr. Peppers and Cokes. Those were memories long gone, and memories she knew she’d forever cherish, no matter what had happened to them to break apart that splendid friendship; a friendship she wished so badly she could have back, but a friendship she was afraid to start again.

Taking in a deep breath, Sam took in his new appearance: he had grown a lot, his features were more defined, and he had an uncanny resemblance to Ryan, which made her heart ache momentarily. After the initial shock, the fear sunk in. Sam had been doing her best to avoid him; doing her best to make sure she didn’t have to confront the obstacle that had been barring her path for two years now, bordering on three.

“M-Matt…” Sam said, fumbling over her words. Her mind seemed numb to the fact she would actually see him here. She hadn’t been expecting it at all. Of course, she knew they lived in the same area, but how likely was it that they would be in the same grocery store at the same time? Sam was beginning to wish she hadn’t brought Ryan along and had just left him with her parents.

Finally mustering up another few drops of her fatigued courage, Sam said, “Long time, no see.” She offered him a weak smile, before turning her head and staring at the contents in her basket, unable to hold Matt’s gaze.

[ it’s fine, it’s still really good ! ]

Sam looked up at him again, this time neither in fear nor in anger, but in simple semi-amusement and curiosity. But the fear returned to her as soon as he asked her if they could talk. Sam was hoping to avoid that question, but she knew in her heart that it was impossible. Ryan took another candy-bar off the shelf and threw it onto the floor, and Sam grimaced before picking it up, “Mommy said only one, and you wouldn’t hold it like a big boy. So you’re going to have to wait to get it until we get home, ‘kay baby?” Sam patted Ryan’s head before putting the candy-bar back in its place and returning her gaze to Matt.

He’d changed so much, and she could only hope by talking with him to find his personality had changed as well. Now that she thought about it, she wasn’t so much afraid than she was in remembrance. The only thing she could vividly remember of him whenever she looked into those dazzling blue eyes is when they were glazed over with cloudiness and the smell of liquor and… Well, you know what happens next.

Sam took a wary glance at Ryan and took a step forward as the line moved.

“Fine,” she said finally, but it wasn’t a dominating and sure-of-herself fine. It was more of a timid and submissive fine. “I’ll talk to you after checkout.” Samantha looked away and up at the cashier who made a sweet comment on how cute Ryan was, which made Sam smile nervously at the woman. Her mind was set on not freaking out on Matt when she talked to him, and she found herself dreading her decision to actually talk to him.

She’d been avoiding him for two years, and it’d been pretty successful. But now here she was, in the freaking grocery store, and being forced to face her extreme fear of him. It wasn’t that she didn’t like him. She did—or at least, she was trying to—but what he had done to her had left a permanent scar; one that could never possibly be erased. And there was still a part in her that feared he would do it again. She was too young to have gone through all that, and now she wasn’t even twenty.

Sam was so caught up in her thoughts she nearly didn’t notice when the woman asked her ‘cash or credit.’ Sam swiped her credit card (one her parents had given her for food and food only) before thanking the woman and moving tentatively to the side, loading the cart with her bags, wishing she could just bolt out of there. But no matter how scared she was, Sam was no liar, and she said she’d talk, so she would.

To distract herself from the upcoming conversation, Sam dug through the bags and pulled out the candy bar, opening the wrapped and giving a small bit of it to Ryan, “There you go. Didn’t Mommy tell you she had already bought you one?” Ryan took it and gnawed on it more than chewed it, but there was a smile on his face as melted chocolate got over his fingers. Smiling, Sam turned but didn’t stand up, content with feeding Ryan the chocolate until Matt came up. Heck, Ryan didn’t even know his father. She guessed it would be healthy for Ryan, even if it scared the chiz out of herself.

Sam stood up after handing Ryan another small piece of chocolate, frowning at the mess he was making, but she didn’t honestly care all that much. He had made a much bigger mess when he’d figured out how to open the tops of the paint bottles on his finger-painting set at home in her condo. Sam was highly uncomfortable in this place with all these people (God how she hated people) but she felt it the safest place to talk to Matt except for at her parents’ house.

When he walked over to her, he kept his respectful distance, which made Sam let out an involuntary sigh of relief. Her heart stopped when he asked her if they could talk somewhere more ‘private.’ She stared at him blankly for a moment before shaking her head, but not in a dismissive manner. It felt like high school all over again. She wanted to tell him to get lost, but her habit of fear and the fact that he was Ryan’s father, and Ryan was with her at that moment, kept her from saying any rude remarks towards him.

And anyways, she was trying not to flip out on him, no matter where their location was. Sam took a centering breath and looked back up at him, frowning as Ryan shrieked, asking for more chocolate. Sam was grateful for the momentary distraction and dropped gently and slowly back down to her former kneeling position and gave him another small piece of the chocolate. Finally standing back up, Sam searched his eyes momentarily, her heart beating faster than it should have.

He’d changed, she hoped. He must have, for he didn’t seem to feel anything was wrong with asking her to talk somewhere more ‘private.’ Unlike him, Sam was still scared out of her wits of men; of him in particular. Sam opened her mouth once to say something, rethought, stopped, and then spoke again, “What is your idea of a ‘more private’ place to speak?” Sam didn’t mean the question in a rude way.

No, not at all. She was just curious as to where he would rather talk than at the store. Samantha pulled some of her dark-chocolate brown hair behind her ear and scrutinized him warily, though she did her best to keep the fact she was only growing more cautious of him by the minute. Two years of hiding being thrown away right now in this one moment, and she really had no choice but to go with him, whether he liked it or not. She’d said she would talk, but unfortunately for her, she hadn’t particularly specified where.

Ah well. All she could do now was wait on his reply and hope for the best. Oh, and feed Ryan some more chocolate.

Yet again, Sam’s heart caught as he said all the ‘private’ places she’d been hoping to avoid. She crossed out his place the moment he said it, but she had some groceries that needed refrigerating, and she knew her parents would enjoy her bringing a boatload of groceries and shoving them in their fridge, as well as bringing Matt home and probably ending up in a heated discussion. The only place left was her place, which Sam wasn’t too keen about either. Her earlier fear crept up in her and she inwardly punched herself. How could she be so stupid!? How did she get herself in a situation like this!? Of course the one thing she’d been trying to avoid would be the one thing that happened to her. All in a day. Oh, goodie.

“I have to get these groceries home…” Sam said quietly, staring at the grocery bags in her cart, closing her eyes momentarily, once more hitting herself internally. Of course, of course, of course! Well, she sure as hell wasn’t going to go to his house. The more she thought about it, the more she wanted to just turn around and tell him she’d been avoiding him for a reason and didn’t intend to break the two-year record now. Sam rubbed her forehead and let out a deep breath, “I guess my place.” The words seemed to drag on forever for Sam, but she knew it was only a simple sentence spoken in a matter of seconds.

Ryan giggled as he gnawed on the piece of chocolate he currently had, kicking his legs up and down in a mixture of fascination and a simple burst of energy. This is why Sam rarely fed Ryan chocolate. He got hyper way too easily. Sam stared at Matt for another few moments, her eyes replaying everything that had happened that night that had completely destroyed their friendship that had lasted for a very long time. “Well,” Sam said finally, taking in another deep breath and turning around, “I guess you can follow my car…?” Sam moved and pushed the cart out of the store slowly.

Every footfall seemed as heavy as lead to her, and she was dreading talking to him, especially in her place. Alone. Well, relatively alone. Ryan would be there, but that didn’t change anything. Not much, anyways. She had a slight sliver of hope in the fact Matt might not try anything with Ryan around. She was thankful that Ryan wasn’t at her parents’ house that day, otherwise she would’ve automatically declined his request to talk. Once she reached her car: a dull-golden Porsche that her parents had given her some time ago, she popped the trunk, loaded up the groceries, and taken back the cart before picking up Ryan, the half-eaten chocolate bar in her hand, and walked back to her car.

“He comeen to visit?” Ryan asked, pointing towards Matt, an innocent expression splayed across his features, blemished only by the curiosity of the toddler.

Knowing she’d probably regret it, Sam said, “Yes, that’s Daddy. He’s going to come visit for a little bit.”

Ryan giggled and clapped his hands, dropping the current, soggy piece of chocolate he had, nearly splattering it on Sam’s shoe. Sighing, Sam moved to the car door and opened it, starting to fix Ryan up in his booster-seat.

Sam had finally finished buckling Ryan in and put the rest of the chocolate bar in a cup holder in the front of her car. Now that she had time to think about it, she wished and wished and wished that she had said her parents’ house. She ran her fingers through her hair nervously and made sure to keep herself out of arms’ reach of Matt. Ten minutes? Ten minutes according to what? It took her about ten minutes to get home, and she had to unload the groceries. Ah well, Sam guessed it would be safer if she was up and moving about with Matt in the house.

Biting her tongue to keep herself from cursing vividly, and in front of Ryan, too. That would’ve been bad—very bad. She eyed him with a mixture of curiosity, apprehension, and the same fear that had been lodged in her heart ever since the incident. Sam was fearful enough that she felt like she could just break down right there. Heck to being in the middle of a parking lot, Sam was regretting ever agreeing to talk to him. She’d made a very bad mistake. Very. Bad. Mistake.

Taking in a deep breath, Sam said, “1250 Willow Avenue; don’t think you need the zip code. It’s the first condo to the left, it’s a tan coloring with a rose bush in the front yard.” Sam didn’t want to give him her zip code, even though she knew he’d see it sooner or later. The longer she delayed it, the longer she didn’t have to think about it. Sure, it’d confront her sooner or later, but for the time being she just couldn’t stand to say anything else. “I’ll see you…soon.”

Sam gave him a weak smile before turning away from him, opening her car door and sitting down in the seat. She took another piece of chocolate for Ryan, reached back before giving it to him. Sam then turned to the front seat and took in a deep breath, resting her head against the headrest. She felt like a cornered animal, except without the determination to get free; she was too afraid to be determined to do anything.

She put her seatbelt on and started up the car, checking a few things and putting the radio on to help distract her before waiting for Matt to move, then pulling out of the parking lot and onto the road towards her condo. Her mind was racing, but what was going to happen was something she couldn’t help anymore. It was going to happen, and if anything bad happened, she knew it was nobody else’s fault but her own. And that was enough to put a shaking terror into her heart.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

By the time Sam got home, she was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. Ryan had screamed half the car-ride home due to the fact he had dropped his chocolate and wanted more, but Sam hadn’t been able to get back to him at a stoplight and give him any more chocolate. She parked her car in the driveway and grabbed the chocolate, taking the key from the ignition and closing the door. She went to the back seat and picked up Ryan after unbuckling him.

She took him into the house and put him down in his playpen before saying, “Mommy’s going to go unload the car. Be right back, okay baby? Be good.” Sam patted his head gently before walking back outside and starting to get the bags of food out of the trunk of her car.

Sam had busied herself putting away the groceries and organizing the pantry to the way it suited her, tending to Ryan as he screamed for more chocolate, and tidying up the mass of books that were piled on top of each other in various places. In the back of her mind, Sam knew that it was healthy for Ryan to establish a relationship with his father, even if Ryan was the product of rape. When she really thought about it, she began to think it wasn’t Matt’s fault in the first place… but then again, it was. He was the one who’d gotten wasted anyways. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Except for be in his way.

Sam continued to try and distract herself, dreading the meeting with Matt that was coming soon, and she knew it, too. Sam was beginning to second-guess herself. Maybe she shouldn’t have invited him over to her place? The only reason Sam had felt secure with bringing him to her house was because she seriously doubted Matt would do anything in front of Ryan—his own flesh and blood.

Sam had gotten so worked up in her thoughts, randomly placed items like lamps and coasters in perfect alignment to the edges of whatever they were resting on, that she jumped when she heard somebody knocking on the door. Putting a hand over her heart, Sam let out a deep breath. She was really edgy, wasn’t she? Ryan screamed loudly as soon as Sam had taken only a few steps away from him, and Sam looked back at him, picking him up out of the playpen and handing him his favorite toy train that was just small enough for him to hold by himself.

Propping Ryan up on one hip, her arm around the boy’s midsection, Sam walked tentatively to the door. She took in a deep, centering breath, and turned the key in the lock before opening the door. She began to wonder to herself what, exactly, he wanted to talk about. She had a feeling it was going to be apology laden upon apology, but Sam was afraid that, if it were, she’d never be able to forgive him. He’d taken the one thing she was saving for her husband, and to her, that was nigh unforgivable.

“Hey,” Sam said, shaking the thoughts off. Ryan’s here. Matt won’t try anything funny when Ryan’s here, Sam kept telling herself, a faint yet hesitant smile on her lips.

[ it's fine ^^ ]

Sam was slightly surprised at Matt’s comment to Ryan, even when she knew it really shouldn’t be surprising in the least—after all, Matt was Ryan’s father, no matter what Sam chose to believe. She was happy she’d had Ryan instead of having an abortion, which she’d originally considered due to her extreme grief and pain. Sighing heavily, Sam stepped back, frowning when Ryan pulled her hair.

“Mommy told you it’s not nice to pull people’s hair, didn’t she?”

Ryan squealed, clapping his hands together once before pointing at Matt, a grin spread across the little boy’s face, “Daddy didn’t!”

“Oh, so now Daddy makes the rules?”

“Mhm!” Ryan went into a giggling fit once more, and Sam smiled a genuine smile, momentarily forgetting that Matt was present. Sam bit her lip nervously when she remembered and nodded, taking a wary step back, and saying, “Sure, come on in.” Ryan tugged Sam’s hair again and the brunette grimaced and turned from Matt.

“Could you please close the door behind you? I need to do something about Ryan,” Sam spoke over her shoulder. She felt relieved when she was no longer forced to look in Matt’s eyes. She’d once loved him, admittedly, more than a friend. She remembered the glisten in his eyes as he chased her around with the hose while cleaning (or at least attempting to) his truck—she remembered very well always complaining about how dirty it was. She wanted those days back, but she knew, even if all was said and done and worked out, Sam would never be able to bring herself to fully trust him. Not after what he’d done.

All those thoughts were pushed out of her mind as Ryan demanded more chocolate. Sam set him down in the playpen, and he contentedly forgot about the chocolate. Ryan began to drive the toy truck around him, making the best train noises he could manage. Turning hesitantly back to Matt, she gestured towards the leather-upholstered couch a few feet from the playpen.

“C-can I get you something to drink? Or maybe a snack?” Sam rubbed her arm nervously. She felt like a fool. A complete idiot. She knew she was babbling and he probably wouldn’t say anything, just sit down and start ranting like he first had when he’d tried to talk to her. It brought tears to her eyes, and Sam had to look away from him to keep herself from breaking down right in front of him.

The talk she’d been dreading and avoiding for so long was finally happening. Deep inside, she knew that she wanted to hear him apologize, but she was deathly afraid of him. Even now she had to keep herself steady by thinking of Ryan so she wouldn’t start shaking. Maybe time would change that, maybe not. Who could ever know for sure? And as much as she’d like to try and evade it, Sam knew it wouldn’t hurt to apologize to him for avoiding him for so long. Deep inside, she knew he deserved an apology as much as she did.

[ It’s fine xD ]

Sam nodded, slightly relieved that she got to get out of his sight again. She walked into the kitchen, not really thinking about leaving Matt alone with Ryan. If he was anything, he was responsible—when sober, that is. Sam shuddered at the unpleasant memories that came rushing back to her. She opened up a cabinet and pulled out a glass, filling it with water from the fridge, and getting out a bowl. She didn’t like the way Ryan was accepting Matt so readily, but Sam knew that that was completely selfish of her. It was awful. When she was younger, she wouldn’t have been so peeved that Ryan was calling Matt ‘Daddy.’ She’d always had fantasies about the life they’d have together. Little did she know he felt the same way about her as she did about him back then.

Sam sighed and pondered what snack to get out. She wasn’t really hungry, and most of the food in her house was nutritious, as she tried her best to keep Ryan on a healthy diet. The chocolate he had today was one of the rare times Sam let him eat unhealthily. She did have chips, though. That was really the only junk food she ever kept in her house. That, and ice cream. After she found out she was pregnant, Sam had seldom eaten anything other than ice cream. Since then, it’d naturally become her comfort food.

Pulling the bag of chips out of the pantry, Sam filled the bowl with them before closing the bag back up with a clip and walking back into the living room. She placed the bowl down on the coffee table in front of the couch and handed Matt the water, fingers momentarily brushing against his, and she recoiled, sighing thickly and plopping herself down on the couch next to him. She felt… odd. There were so many emotions jumbled up in her head at that point that she didn’t even know how to cope. It was a miracle she wasn’t crying.

Perhaps as the conversation got started she’d start crying. Sam wasn’t always the tough tomboy she’d been in high school. Even then, she had a soft side. And a soft side only Matt had known about. Maybe if she hadn’t tried to stop Matt from doing something stupid while he was so obviously drunk… maybe if she hadn’t done that they could be married and Ryan could be a child of will, not force. But then again, everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it? At least, that’s what Sam’s mother had always told her since the incident with Ryan. Her father still didn’t like Matt, which Sam was slightly—and quite selfishly—thankful for, since her mother had been sending Matt pictures of Ryan and such (of course her mom didn’t want Sam to know, but leaving your email up on the computer isn’t the smartest way to keep these things a secret).

Sam had never brought it up, being the obedient daughter she’d been raised to be. It was a miracle that her parents had been able to control her wild side when she was little. She had constantly been getting into trouble in high school. She drank, yes, but she never got drunk. She was responsible enough to know not to. That didn’t mean she hadn’t enjoyed flirting and dancing with the guys. Parties had always been more fun when Matt came with her. But that was only when she managed to persuade him to come along. He’d never liked the ideas of parties until she had enticed him on many occasions to come with her.

Though the party games—like Spin the Bottle, Seven Minutes in Heaven, and Truth or Dare (extreme version)—were things she never participated in. Even at her age, she’d never had her first kiss. She’d been saving it for Matt, and now she was so afraid of men she was starting to think she’d never get to the point she could ever have a first kiss.

Reclining warily into the couch, Sam forced herself to look at Matt. There was no denying he was attractive, but that didn’t change her feelings for him. “So. I bet I can guess why you’re here, but why don’t you tell me anyways.”

Sam shook her head and propped it against the door. She couldn’t go back out there—no, not anymore. She couldn’t go back out there and confront Matt. Usually when she was sad, she’d get up and crawl into bed with Ryan, and read him a story or play with his stuffed animals with him. But she couldn’t do that now. Not with Matt around. Sam knew he’d waited so long to get this chance with her. Just to be alone and to apologize. If Ryan hadn’t said anything, Sam knew it would probably be over and done with about now. Maybe they’d work out a schedule for taking care of Ryan, like most divorced parents did.

Sam could tell from the start Ryan knew Matt was his father, and he liked his dad, too. Ryan was a good judge of character, even though he was so little. It took Sam at least five more minutes before she could so much as lift herself off the floor, and she opened the door silently, tiptoeing into the bathroom to wash her face off with cold water. She could feel her heart breaking like it had the moment after Matt had raped her and left her in the hallway. Even though it was evident she’d already been scared, she was even more scared now.

She was torn. She wished she could love Matt. She wished they could be married and Ryan’s existence wouldn’t be a problem to either of them. But she also wished he would leave her alone. She might still have a chance at love, right…? Or maybe not. Maybe she’d found Matt when she was younger and fallen madly in love with him, beyond the point that even after what he did to her, she’d never be able to love another man. It was quite possible, she knew.

Ryan smiled at Matt and giggled, “Mommy’s nice,” Ryan said, clapping his hands together before reaching up to Matt and waving his arms. “Up!” Ryan giggled again and kicked his legs, “Up, Daddy! Up!” Ryan looked at Matt expectantly, arms outstretched and fingers splayed, as if he was trying to reach out to Matt.

Sam leaned against the wall and watched the whole thing, unable to smile. She could tell her face was emotionless, and she knew that even though her outward appearance was completely unreadable, her inside feelings were jumbled. “You don’t have to be hesitant to pick him up. He’s your son after all,” Sam murmured.

Ryan saw Sam and giggled momentarily, repeating himself, “Up!” this time it was more of a whine than anything else, and when Matt picked him up, Ryan squealed happily and clapped his hands together in a babyish fashion. It’d been a while since Sam had seen Ryan so excited about something—or someone—in a long time. Sure, he got excited over little things frequently, but she’d never seen him this happy in her life, and she was suddenly afraid that Matt would win Ryan over and take him away from her. Sam felt the need to say something; she felt awful. After what happened…after what Ryan said… he was two…

Sam wished she could love Matt again. She doubted it’d work out now… seeing Matt holding her—correction, their—little boy made Sam’s heart ache for the times they’d used to have together and the dreams she’d build upon unstable grounds. At the time, Matt had seemed a very stable and trustworthy person. She was beginning to realize more and more that she wanted it back, and she’d do most anything to get it back, but the only problem in her way was the solid brick wall of fear that barred her from getting anywhere close to forgiving Matt for what he’d done to her.

She’d had to drop out of high school, and now that she was more uneducated than most people her age, finding a job was going to be a hell of a lot harder than it needed to be. Plus, being afraid of men so much only made working in small areas with mostly male bosses and fellow workers made her feel like she was going to go insane. Sam smiled slightly when Ryan’s little fingers grabbed (or tried to) at the stubble on Matt’s chin, not coming up with anything, but still determined to try.

Sam knew Ryan was happy, and even if she didn’t want Matt touching him, she wouldn’t take Ryan away from Matt because she didn’t want to deprave her son of the father he needed. Sam might be selfish, but she wasn’t stupid. Ryan needed this. He needed a father to grow up with and wrestle and to be taught about how to deal with girls and all that jazz… Ryan didn’t have that. Matt, she knew, could provide it…but she kept telling herself that it would only be provided if she got herself out of the fear she was lodged in.

Sitting back down on the couch, Sam looked over to Matt and Ryan, her heart clenching momentarily as she wished that this would be normal: they’d be a happy (preferably married) couple and Ryan wouldn’t have to worry (er, Sam wouldn’t have to worry, more accurately) about being fatherless. Pulling her knees up to her chest, Sam stared at the bowl of chips.

“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you for so long,” Sam muttered. “I was just… scared…” Sam shook her head and sighed again. She dropped her voice lower, hoping neither Ryan nor Matt could hear, “So terribly afraid…” Sam continued to stare at the bowl of chips, shutting out the rest of the world for a moment.

“Mommy needs hug, Daddy,” Ryan said, pointing to Sam. “Mommy sad.”

Sam looked up and watched Ryan. He was so happy. And Matt, admittedly, as such a good father… Sam knew it would be wrong to take Matt out of Ryan’s life, when Matt was all the boy really desperately needed. Samantha hated to tell it to herself, but she’d have to see Matt again, if only for Ryan’s happiness. A fond yet sad smile crossed her lips as she watched Ryan and Matt interact with each other, as if nothing in the word was ever going to bother the two of them. Nothing was ever going to split them apart. The only downside was that Sam knew Ryan would start asking why he only got to see “Daddy” every now and again, and why they didn’t live together like Mammy and Pappy (Sam’s parents).

Sighing, Sam watched Ryan run up to her and wrap his arms around her leg, a little smile on the boy’s lips. Sam smiled and picked up Ryan, sitting up straighter and putting the boy on her lap. “It’s all right, sweetie,” Sam said, kissing the top of the boy’s head. “Mommy’s fine.” Ryan shook his head and pointed at Matt, but didn’t look at him.

“Why Daddy not hug?” Ryan kicked his legs softly. “Like Mammy and Pappy?”

Lying was the last thing that Sam wanted to do to Ryan, but she wasn’t sure how to phrase it without making it look like an attack on Matt. “Because, family hugs are special. Only Mammy and Pappy give family hugs.” A sudden wave of depression hit Sam. She knew that her explanation wouldn’t have cut it for Ryan if he’d been any older. It didn’t make sense to her, and she knew it probably wouldn’t to Matt, either. Which only made her feel worse. Ryan kicked angrily, forcing Sam to put him back down on the ground, and tell him, “Don’t kick on Mommy’s lap, all right baby?”

Ryan toddled over to Matt and pulled on the leg of his pants, frowning. “Mommy needs hug. Why Daddy not hug?” Ryan plopped himself down on the carpet and stared up at Matt, his little eyes expectant. Ryan didn’t understand why his parents weren’t interacting like he’d seen his grandparents do. It seemed to him like what applied to Mammy and Pappy were exclusive to them, and that his parents didn’t do that sort of thing. Ryan frowned and gripped the rug, pulling up random fluffs off of it.

Sam didn’t object or tell Ryan not to ask Matt those kinds of questions. In all honesty, at the moment she could use a hug—she didn’t give a damn who it was from. It would’ve been better if they’d been at her parents’ house, and her mother would’ve given her a hug, and all would be well. But all she had at her house was Matt and Ryan, and Ryan was too little to give a meaningful hug. After all, Sam was three times the size of Ryan. Sam looked up to Matt for a moment, searching his eyes, not knowing really what she was looking for. All she could tell herself right now was that she needed him to be in Ryan’s life. She’d have to see him, put up with Ryan’s comments, and answer her little boy’s questions. It was all she could do… It was all she could do.

Sam sighed and dropped her gaze back to Ryan, who now was reaching out for Matt’s shoelaces.