Trustless [ Reserved ]

Sam looked into his eyes as he searched hers. It was the first time she’d been able to keep his gaze…and she realized it didn’t bother her, though she was still scared out of her wits of him. She just didn’t want to get hurt again… she knew that if she had proof Matt would never dare think of hurting her again, she’d trust him like she used to. If only…if only she had proof. Words weren’t enough to back up and erase the pain he’d caused her. If he ever wanted to make it up to her… Well, Sam wasn’t even sure what he could do to revive their trust. She guess she’d know when the time came, but at the moment, nothing came to mind.

She looked at him as he tried speaking to Ryan. Ryan looked up at Matt; the youngster was obviously confused. Ryan stopped picking with Matt’s shoelaces and stared his father in the eyes, young cerulean eyes curious. It hurt Sam terribly to know how innocent Ryan was. He had no idea what Matt had done, and if she ever told him, she knew Ryan would live in regret knowing he was the child of force—and, in simpler yet cruder terms, a child his mother had never wanted. Of course now Sam’s view had changed. She loved Ryan with all her heart and wanted Ryan in her life. But how would a teenager, or even a younger child, ever accept the fact they were of rape? She was afraid that if he ever knew about it, it’d ruin him.

Ryan had a bright future, she knew. Even at the age of two, he was learning faster than any child she knew… probably from Matt’s side of the gene pool. Sam had always admired Matt’s intelligence. She’d often found herself at his house asking for help with petty questions in math or history, that she should’ve been able to answer herself. Either she was too tired to think, or she just wanted an excuse to talk to Matt. He always accepted helping her, though, and whether or not he was annoyed (or saw the fact she’d had a major crush on him) was never clear to Sam. She’d never been able to read him like he had been able to read her. And she was afraid he still could read her.

Sam tensed when she saw the look in his eyes. She knew he was going to do something—what, she wasn’t completely sure of—and she couldn’t freak out because Ryan was right there, now grabbing the chip bowl and plopping onto the floor, eating them rather messily. Sam wasn’t looking forward to vacuuming afterwards. But he was a toddler—they made messes by default. When Matt told her it’d be okay, Sam frowned. She wasn’t upset with the words, merely confused. Did he mean it? Was she safe from any harm from him? Was he just saying that so Ryan wouldn’t worry? Was he just saying that so she wouldn’t worry?

When he pulled her into a hug, Sam stiffened immediately, but after a moment she relaxed. She brought her arms up to her chest and rested her head against his shoulder. She wasn’t sure why she was letting herself let go like this…but at the same time, she did. She couldn’t take all the pain by herself, and she knew that… It’s just that her parents would never understand, and neither would Matt’s parents. Matt had done this to her, and she knew, deep inside her mind, that he had gone through about as much pain and regret as she had. In all honesty, he was the only one that understood. And the only one that ever would understand.

In the back of her mind she was reminded how she’d always wanted this: his embrace, a nice house, and a child… If only they’d been married. Then…well, then, nothing would be able to interrupt the love she’d once had for him. Making up her mind on the fly, Sam commented quietly, “I don’t trust you anymore, Matt… but I’m willing to give you a second chance.”

Sam thought quietly to herself. What was she doing!? Was he just trying to gain her trust so he could violate her again? Did he just want to finish the perverse crime he’d committed almost 3 years ago? And Sam knew even if he did, she’d never bring herself to get him arrested once and for all. She hated herself for it, but she knew there was one miniscule piece to her shattered heart that had not been replaced. And it was that one, microscopic piece that still held a place for Matt in her heart. When he let go and spoke softly to her once more, Sam parted her lips slightly as if to say something, then stopped and nodded her head numbly.

As she watched him with Ryan, she felt the place in her heart grow a little bigger. It pained her to see his perfect smile again. Especially now that Ryan was around. Sam moved silently into the hallway, staring longingly out the window. Every thought of fear, suicide, hatred, and violation that she’d felt the moment she had known she was pregnant came rushing back to her. The thoughts and emotions hit her like a train, and Sam plopped herself down on the floor, forehead pressed against the window.

All he wanted was a second chance. Why was it so hard to give him that? Closing her eye, she could remember the feeling of his arms around her waist, his chest to her back, as she tried to run off with his homework or important essays just to get him to pay attention to her. She remembered the laughter and all-nighters that they had, wrestling and daring each other to do the most absurd of things. Most of the time Sam hadn’t even done the dares—but Matt hadn’t seemed to care. He seemed to have liked to see her pleasure when he did the ridiculous dares (one of them—Sam’s favorite—being Matt going up to the old lady’s house next door to their old apartment, in his boxers, and pretend to be a British Hanes salesmen). When she opened her eyes, hot tears were streaming down her face.

“Where did those days go?” Sam whispered to herself, her heart breaking a little more “I miss him. I miss the old Matt. I wish I could go back—” Sam’s words were cut short by the tears that refused to cease flowing, and Sam curled up in the corner of the room, the window’s light the only thing illuminating her tears.

[ Ranting/rambling is fine. The more detail the better! Sorry mine is so short… If you want, you can have Matt catch the last part of what she was saying. From "I miss him" to "go back." If you want to. Doesn't have to be like that. It was a random moment of random inspiration, lol. ]

Sam heard the talking in the other room but let it slip from one ear to the other. Poor Ryan… Sam knew she’d never be able to tell her beloved son that his father had treated her in a monstrous way. Ryan was squealing in delight at Matt and continued to grab some chip remains off of the floor and stuff them greedily into his mouth. Through it all, Sam’s wandering mind vaguely heard footsteps coming down the hallway. When she felt arms pulling her closer to an uncomfortably familiar warmth, she stiffened out of instinct.

When she heard his words, she only cried harder, yet still silently. She heard him say “Sparkles” and her heart stopped momentarily. After a few minutes of silence, staring at the fabrics of his shirt, passed by at an excruciatingly slow pace. So… maybe he had changed. Maybe he had grown up. God, she hoped so. She couldn’t afford to be raped again. Not now. She was already struggling enough with life. She was already ready to give up. Sam was too close to ending all her suffering now.

These thoughts and emotions made everything worse. No longer could Sam take it, and she clung to Matt, sobbing into his shirt, hiding her face from. She was silently cursing her for her cowardice. Oh, how she wished things could change… She needed him in her life solely for the reason that Ryan was in desperate need of a father. Someone to teach him the ropes of being a man, of playing football, wrestling… Everything that little boys could never get from their mothers. She couldn’t do this on her anymore, and she knew it.

Sam clutched his shirt, sobs shaking her body every now and again. It took a good ten minutes before the tears stopped flowing. A few tears still slipped down her cheeks, nevertheless. Sam curled up into Matt and let herself go. She’d been destroying herself from the inside out ever since that fateful night. Sam whispered quietly, nearly inaudibly, “I’m so scared, Matt. I can’t do this alone anymore. I want Ryan’s life to be the best it can possibly be. I’m too scared to do anything anymore! I can’t even find a job…” Sam trailed off for a moment, before continuing in a voice that was even quieter, “I just can’t do it anymore.”

[ I’ll reply to ‘Soldier Coming Home’ soon. ^^ I’m just having a bad day and this RP tends to fit my mood. I’m practically braindead, but I’ll do my bestest! ]

Sam listened to him speak. Every word that fell from his lips seemed to comfort her in a way that she never would’ve expected. He seemed genuinely sincere in his apologies, but it only made Sam wonder more about what he was doing. Was he kissing up to her? Or was he actually, actually sincere about this? She was afraid of him, no doubt. It’d taken so much out of her that she’d nearly committed suicide. She’d tried it once, in all honesty, but her parents had found out and rushed her to a hospital before she’d died. Though through it all, she had to have CPR twice to be saved from the tragedy she’d done to herself. She never knew if her mother told Matt about it, but at this point, Sam was wondering if it really even mattered.

Sam ignored the name Sparkles the second time he’d said it. She was so incredibly tired now…all the tears she’d shed, all the things she’d said, and all the things Ryan had said. He was innocent… like she had been. But she’d had that all taken away from her in a matter of minutes. Shuddering, Sam allowed him to pull her in closer. It felt right, and Sam hated it. She hated it so very much. Why was she letting herself go so easily? Something in the back of her mind told her that it was because of the fact she’d loved him. Maybe even after the incident, she’d loved him. Her mother often told her she was being ridiculous and that she obviously still had feelings for Matt…After all, Ryan was nearly the spitting image of his father.

Pushing the thoughts aside, Sam kept her eyes open as long as she could, listening to every word he said. He was trying to be comforting, she knew, and she nearly bolted upright when she felt his lips atop her head. It wasn’t a welcome feeling to her quite yet. She couldn’t help but thinking this is what she wanted… She had wanted to be in his arms every night, to curl up to him in bed and share the love she’d been saving for him until he’d decided to let her in.

Apparently his idea of letting her “in” was by forcing her into a position where she was rendered helpless—and hopeless. Sam sighed, once he was finished, and closed her eyes. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes, but when she decided to talk, she decided it’d be best if each word was meaningful. “I used to love you,” Sam whispered, wondering how he’d react to her confession. “I used to hope we could have this, if only it was in a different way. I want to forgive you, but I just can’t. Not when I see Ryan every day of my life. I’ve never forgotten about you. Not a day has passed when you haven’t crossed my mind. I wish I could change it, as well. But we can’t. So what’s the point in trying?”

Sam held onto the words, remaining quiet for a few minutes afterwards. He was right: of course when she was younger she never would’ve settled for losing. She would have played again and again and again until she’d won. But now…ever since that night, she’d given up on trying. Winning lost its meaning when she’d lost the only life she’d ever known or wanted to know. She couldn’t even picture what life would’ve been like had all this not happened. Her chocolate brown orbs looked back down the hallway to see a completely oblivious Ryan, who was munching on chips and picking crumbs up off the floor and putting them back into the chip bowl, looking like he was doing a great service to the household.

“For Ryan,” Sam repeated quietly. Her heart nearly stopped when she heard him say that he’d love her, as well. So...he had loved her, and she’d missed her one chance at happiness. Sam pondered showing him the journal she’d kept entries in up until the day Ryan was born. Most of the entries before the incident were about the little things that Matt had said or done that she found funny, sweet, or troubling. The other half of the entries (when she’d just met and was getting to know Matt) were about how she knew she was falling for him and everything she loved about him—which was pretty much everything.

She wrote a heart-wrenching, 3-page entry when she’d ran home that night after Matt had assaulted her. All entries after that were predominantly about the pain of pregnancy; the migraines, the morning sicknesses, and the awful mood swings (which mainly consisted of either deep and unrelenting depression or a burning regret). And suddenly Sam felt angry.

She’d invited him to so many parties that did have alcoholic beverages, and he’d never, ever gotten drunk. She’d never regulated how much he drank, either. Matt had always been responsible in that aspect. So why then? When she wasn’t present? Why? Suddenly pulling herself away from him—thouhj not completely—she stared him in the eyes. Even now, he still had the traces of that respectable honors-student that she’d known back in high school.

Gaze hardening, she commented quietly, “Why? I know I dragged you to all those parties… 99% of them had drinks! You never…you never got drunk before. Why then!? Where had you even gone!? I…” Sam stopped short and curled back up, resting in his arms and letting tears fall freely again. She had loved him…she had, more importantly, trusted him. The Sam in high school had loved openly, never harboring grudges or anger. She never feared anything. And now…? Now she was numb to most emotions and feared a hundred too many things. Clutching his shirt and burying herself deeper in his arms, she managed to choke between sobs, “I…I trusted you…”

Sam saw the momentary flash of fear in his eyes when she looked at him angrily, but she had quickly dug her face back into the fabrics of his shirt to care about how long that look had stayed in his eyes. She wasn’t in the mood to care. All she really wanted was an accurate explanation. Something had been bugging him…It had to have been. Matt had always been so responsible… He had always been more responsible than she had, at least. Matt had always helped her find school textbooks, “lost” homework, and help her take notes for tests and quizzes. She’d loved him so much. He was a help to her, and even if she wasn’t very helpful to him besides her companionship (which she felt had never really been enough for him), he accepted her without complaint. Though he did often whine about how she shouldn’t tell him how to treat his car.

When he apologized for breaking her trust, Sam sniffed and the tears stopped for a few moments, silently trickling down her cheeks and onto the material of his shirt. Letting her tears dry, Sam snuggled up closer to him, ignoring the fact that he could really do whatever he wished to her right at that moment, and tried to bring herself to trust that he wouldn’t hurt her again—he seemed to be trying so desperately to prove that he wouldn’t. Why not give him a second chance? Her mother had always pleaded with her to forgive him and let him back into her life, but she’d always been to stubborn and scared to listen to her beloved mother. Like Matt had mentioned earlier, she should let him back in and give him another chance, if for no other reason than Ryan. Closing her eyes, Sam listened to him talk.

When he said something about his father cheating on his mother, her eyes snapped open. She had had no idea…! Now that she listened deeper, she found it harder and harder to believe that it was his fault. She had been so oblivious to him… She opened her mouth and commented quietly, “Maybe your dad was telling you that because he felt guilty about ‘sleeping around.’ It’s possible…” Sam stared at the color of his shirt as he continued talking about what had happened. She remembered vaguely the soccer scholarship going down in flames. She’d tried to comfort him as best as she could, but Sam had been self-centered and a bit too oblivious back in those days to know any better. She’d not given him as much comfort as she wish she had now. Sam’s heart skipped a beat when he finished it with Kenny Blake. The flashback of the black-haired teenager with his lip-piercing and outgoing attitude made Sam shudder.

It was her turn to explain that, now. “Blake. Always called him Blake. He didn’t like the name ‘Kenny.’ He was constantly complaining to me about it. But I listened…” Sam shook her head and sighed deeply. “The only…the only reason I ever kissed Kenny was because… I felt empty. I was afraid you’d never love me. I…I just let go. Or I tried to. I sought comfort in Kenny but all he wanted was my body. I didn’t expect him to go that far. He stole my first kiss. I didn’t think I minded it at the time. I thought that maybe he would really love me if time worked its ‘magic.’ I guess I was wrong. I’m so sorry, Matt… That wasn’t meant for you to see. I didn’t even know it was going to happen until it did. It probably looked bad from the outside. I never meant to hurt you like that.”

She listened intently as he finished the miniature speech, and she whispered quietly, “You know…it doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to give you a second try. It’s going to take some time. But I’ll try and be kinder. I never gave you the companionship you needed when we were in high school. I feel bad about it now.” Sam looked up and planted a tentative kiss on his jaw before cuddling back up to him and closing her eyes.

[ my imagination ‘sploded! :D ]

[ Nah, it’s fine! ]

Sam shrugged slightly, staring into the back of her eyelids. She was surprised by how easily she’d let go of everything she’d worked on for the past 2 and a half years. She’d tried so hard to stay away from him…but deep inside her heart she’d always known that she still loved him, and staying apart from him was really only hurting herself, and Ryan. The poor boy needed a father… But Sam had been so utterly afraid that Matt would hurt her again. Sam couldn’t afford to have another child. She could barely juggle things as they were at the moment. Dealing with Matt had only meant to her heartache and trouble. Now that she looked on it all, she realized it was a stupid assumption. Her mother had frequently told her that Matt had apologized, and stayed up all night the night Ryan was born, frequently calling in on her mother to see how Sam was doing. Sam even remembered her mom getting up and leaving the room to go call somebody about the baby, but Sam didn’t know who it was until a few months after Ryan was born.

But now, with his arms around her, Sam realized that she wasn’t as afraid as she thought she’d been. The wounds would still take time to heal, but she knew that, in time, she and Matt had a chance of getting back what they’d lost. Of course, it may not be as slow as it would’ve been if Sam had felt any different at the moment. All she wanted was to be held; that’s all she’d ever wanted, but her parents couldn’t help her with that. The only person who could ever make her feel the way she wanted to feel, loved and protected, was a man that loved her. And from the looks of things…Matt still loved her. It was encouraging to Sam to know that he’d bothered to wait. After all this time, he really had been very sorry, hadn’t he? Sam only opened her eyes when she heard the little pitter-patter of feet coming down the hall.

“I don’t know, Matt…I don’t want to ask anything else of you, but…I was wondering if making a schedule for who keeps Ryan when would be good? I’ve been having troubles keeping him with me all the time and trying to find a job…” As if on cue, Ryan toddled down the hall and flopped onto Sam’s midsection, clapping his hands happily. “Hello there, big boy.” Sam moved slightly and pulled Ryan close to her, resting her head on Matt’s chest.

“Mommy forgived Daddy, right?” Ryan asked, pulling on strands of Sam’s hair (which Sam didn’t complain about this time, like she usually would’ve). “Mommy and Daddy love each other, right?”

Sam stared at Ryan in the eyes for a moment, unsure of how to answer the boy’s question. For a toddler of only 2, he was so much more perceptive than Sam would have ever dreamed of. But the question if Matt and herself were still in love stumped her. She wanted to say yes, but if she did, what would Matt say? Would he think everything had just magically popped back into place like nothing had ever happened? And if she said no… would he just walk out and finally decide that it wasn’t worth it? Ruffling her son’s hair gently, Sam chuckled, “Of course, baby. Mommy and Daddy love each other very much.” Ryan giggled and curled up against his mother’s chest, yawning quietly before closing his eyes.

How was Matt going to respond to her answer? She hoped that he’d still realize she’d said that mostly because Ryan needed to hear that. Though deep down, Sam knew she still really did love Matt. And now, really, only time could tell whether the wounds would heal or not. But she felt safe now, for the first time in a very long time. She felt like Ryan, Matt, and herself were actually a family, and it brought a small smile to her lips.

[ MY MUSE FINALLY CAME BACK!! :D I’m so happy :3 ]

When Matt started talking, Sam listened intently. She wasn’t quite sure about what the schedule for taking care of Ryan would be yet, but she knew that they’d both figure it out later. It wasn’t like this was the last day they were going to talk…and though Sam wanted to let him get close to her again, she still had that nagging intuition of hers that kept telling her that she should stay away from him in case he tried to do something stupid again. It wasn’t going to be pretty if something back happened to her, with Ryan by her side. Sam knew that if he placed her in another helpless situation, she was screwed—literally and metaphorically. She couldn’t take care of two children now. She wanted to be able to eventually, but definitely not now. Shifting uncomfortably, Sam stroked Ryan’s hair very gently, trying to think out, in her mind, what she’d do about her damned cowardice.

“I don’t know yet,” Sam murmured, pushing herself away from him gently and getting to her feet, Ryan curled up in her arms. The poor boy was exhausted, it looked like… After all, Sam thought to herself as she glanced at the clock, it was an hour after Ryan usually had his nap. “We can talk about it in a few. I have to go put Ryan to bed for now.” Smiling gently, Sam added quietly, “Make yourself at home. You’ll be coming around a lot more now, it seems. Get familiar with the place, I guess.” Sam walked back down the small hallway, into the living room, then down another hallway, stopping and turning into the first door on the left.

Flicking on the light switch as she walked into the room, she was greeted by the blue-and-orange-dinosaur themed room of her little boy. She put Ryan down on the bed of his, pulling the covers up about him, before pondering what song to sing to him. She could tell Ryan was still awake, as he reached up and grabbed onto her shirt when she put him down and was about to get up and leave. She pushed down the side railings on his bed (that kept him from rolling off of his bed) and sat on the edge of his bed. She ran her hand over his still-baby-soft hair, humming a moment before singing to him quietly a lullaby that her mother used to sing to her every night when she was little. Up until Sam was 7, actually.

Sam had always loved singing, and had been told a thousand times that she had a great voice, but her stage-fright had kept her from singing publicly ever since she could remember. The only time she sang in public was at her friend’s party where they had a karaoke station, but even then she only did it because Matt had begged her to. She’d gotten an enormous applause after that, but she still refused to sing publicly—even after that.

As soon as the lullaby was over, Sam got up, pulled the railing back up, and left the room, turning off the light and closing the door silently behind her. Her hand still on the doorknob, she rested her forehead gently against the wood door, thinking. She had to go back out there and face Matt. In the back of her mind she wished that she was dreaming… That this was all a fantasy, and she wouldn’t have to be alone with Matt now. The words “be alone with Matt” made Sam shiver, and she was forced to bite back tears as memories from that fateful night came rushing back to her. And it didn’t help that she was standing right outside the door of the result of rape. Shaking her head, Sam knew she had to be strong, if only for her son. She’d labored for almost three years now trying to provide him with everything that he needed, and he needed a father. Reluctantly letting go of the doorknob, Sam made her way back down the hallway and looked over at Matt.

“I know it’s not much,” Sam said quietly, rubbing her arm for apparently no reason, “But it’s all I can get. Hope it’s suitable for you.”

Sam rubbed her arm nervously. “Well…” she murmured, “I thought that you’d be coming over a lot more often now…and…well my house isn’t the nicest, and I realize that and…I was just…I’m rambling. Sorry…” Sam shook her head and pulled some dark-chocolate brown hair behind her ear, smiling in a sort of apology. Sam didn’t know what to say. She was stunned she was talking to Matt… she was stunned she wasn’t crying anymore, and she was stunned she had actually invited him back into her life. She remembered the night he’d violated her so clearly in her mind whenever she looked at him, but for some reason, she couldn’t hate him. She never had hated him, she realized. She’d just been afraid that 1) it would happen again, and 2) that their friendship would never be the same…and that she’d mess up somehow. But when she thought about it, she realized it wasn’t her fault to begin with.

How do I tell him? Sam thought to herself. How do I tell him I still love him? How do I tell him I never stopped loving him? How do I tell him I wish we could just get married and start all over again? How do I tell him any of that…without bursting into tears again? Am I supposed to… show him with actions? Sam stopped her train of thought right there, looking like a deer in headlights. Actions? What could she possibly do that would show him that she missed him…? That she didn’t hate him…mostly because each time she saw Ryan she saw her love for Matt? Why was it so hard?! Sam stepped forward a few steps, stopping when she was right in front of him, looking up into his eyes.

Sam blinked once or twice before commenting quietly, “I…never hated you. I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted to hate you. And… I really don’t know how else to prove my feelings to you but through what I can show you.” Sam hugged him closely, burying her face in his chest and taking a deep and centering breath. She wanted to do this…definitely wanted show him how much she still cared. Moving her head back to look at him again, Sam stood on her tiptoes and whispered, “I love you,” before planting a kiss on his lips.

[bleh! Sorry it’s so short and ugly >> ]